The Talk

Please note: first written and published 13/3/21

I cannot sleep. Thoughts pound through my head like the rhythmic talking drums of Africa. The repeated refrain sounds again and again through my mind disturbing any attempts of rest I am trying to have. Perturbed and disturbed, a ceaseless carousel of questions ricochet through and around my head when spontaneously they find an outlet as a torrent of tears stream from eyes that has seen too much. I try to staunch the flow, but they are insistent. No amount of tissues can hold them back as they gush forth and sodden the flimsy paper handkerchiefs, rendering them useless. Significantly, the same question reverberates in my head: what right does a man have to destroy a woman’s life, even take it? Why is this question running round my mind like an ever-looping tape and depriving me of sleep? I cannot get her face neither her name off of my mind. Who? Sarah Everard.

Like me, I am sure that the unfolding tragic story of Sarah Everard, has gripped you as well, as all week long we have become invested in knowing what had happened to this 33-year-old marketing executive; described by her family as ‘“bright and beautiful”’ and ‘“kind and strong”’, as she walked home from a friend ‘s house last Wednesday (3rd March) night. A week later, the nation is informed that her body has been found, a man has been arrested and charged with her kidnap and murder. I did not know her, but my heart is in pain. If I, a total stranger to Sarah Everard, feels like this, I cannot begin to imagine what her family, boyfriend, friends and colleagues are going through.

Once again, the safety of women is thrust into the glaring and harsh spotlight and this time, it would appear, that the collective heart of the nation has beaten in sympathetic unison as it seeks answers – wanting to know, how this happened? Why did it happen? What could have been done to prevent this happening? What makes this case all the more shocking is that the man arrested, charged with her kidnap and murder is a serving Metropolitan police officer: his job was meant to serve and protect! 

In this country (UK), we work on the basis of innocent until proven guilty, however, enough evidence must have been found to charge this man of this heinous crime. Therefore, that means that a man who should have been protecting, instead preyed on an innocent woman and decided that her life should be terminated for his own pleasure. God have mercy!

As I tossed and turned on my bed, sleep evading me; my mind, restless, started wandering back through the annals to a time when I had to give one of those ‘talks’.

As a woman of colour living in the UK, I have had to give ‘the talk’ on different subjects to my daughters as they were growing up: the ‘talk’ on working 10 times as hard as a young black girl so that they can achieve and do well in this country and in life. Another of those ‘talks’ was to do with keeping personally safe as they travelled around – from school to home, church to home, a friend’s house to home, as they got older, abroad to home, in fact, anywhere to home! “At night, walk in the middle of the road, hold your keys in a fist, if attacked, shout ‘fire!’ not ‘rape’ as the chance of someone coming to your aid is higher, go in pairs, call and let me know you are okay” were all instructions I gave to my daughters as they were growing up. Still do. Why? My experiences have taught me that -as a female – it doesn’t matter what age you are, you can be in danger when out alone, especially at night. A topic close to my heart, I even studied it when completing my Masters: I wrote a paper on what it is and how it feels to navigate the city’s streets when out at night. Academically, or personally, I know this to be true (the dangers).

Reflecting on the past week, each day brought a fresh revelation in Sarah’s case and fresh recollections to my mind. Transported back to a time that I would rather not revisit, memories came crashing back like a tsunami wave; engulfing me. A robbed and shattered hymen, a dislocated jaw, belittled, gaslighted, manipulated and controlled are all experiences I have had in so called ‘relationships’ with men. Over the course of my lifetime thus far, I have sadly experienced the evilness of some men and their misogynistic ways. My life’s experience is not unique; unfortunately.

During the lockdown periods, the rates of domestic violence has rocketed. Women are at serious risk and though there is much talk and debate as to what can be done to help; there is little actual action and precious little money put towards supporting women who are at risk. There has been some progress, but there is so much more that can be done.

As I reflect on Sarah Everard and the innumerable other women who have fallen victim to the depravity and wickedness of men’s minds, I cannot help but to feel incredibly saddened to see the Creator’s plan for mankind so far removed from the ideal of God’s standard. When God created mankind, the man was meant to look out for and provide for the woman. The eroding and corrupting nature of sin has brought so much misery in its wake that men are brutal rather than benevolent, patriarchal rather than protecting, misogynistic rather than mindful.

I can only imagine that the heart of God is broken as He sees what has become of His creation, but thank God that He has not removed Himself from us but is ever near to comfort us and to surround us with His presence, especially during these trying times. As a comfort, the precious words of Scripture comes to mind – the twenty-third chapter of Psalms. 

A PSALM OF DAVID.

23 The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
2 He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
3 He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever.

I hope you will join with me as I lift up in prayer all those who knew Sarah and whose hearts are aching at this very sad and traumatic time. I also lift up all women who have experienced any form of abuse.

Refuse to be silenced, speak up and get help. There are practical steps you can take; you can start your journey of recovery by clicking on the links below for information on how to keep safe and what to do, should you or someone you know find themselves in an abusive situation.

https://apple.news/AbclVpKwoT8GYrzTm5kEjCg

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk

https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk

Stay safe.

Until next time.

Love & Blessings