And Peter…
It’s been a while since I have posted, but I couldn’t stay silent for too long.
Black History Month 2024 in the UK has passed and the theme of ‘reclaiming narratives’ gave an opportunity for many voices, perspectives and lives to share their narrative and reframe it so that their story can be heard in way that may not had been heard before.
For me, October was a tough month. Challenging spiritually and mentally as life has been quite stressful with personal and professional circumstances which I must admit, challenged me greatly! 😫
However, I wanted to share an insight that God permitted me to see, understand and that I found comforting.
First, let me ask you - have you ever felt as though you had messed up so big that there was no way back? Repeated mistakes time after time after time? Forged ahead only to take a massive slide down the snake, like on a snakes and ladders board?
Well, I have.
Yet, in my excruciating circumstances, God showed me this story, but with a new insight and understanding.
The precursor to the story can be found in Mark 14:72 ‘A second time the rooster crowed. Then Peter called to mind the word that Jesus had said to him, “Before the rooster crows twice, you will deny Me three times.” And when he thought about it, he wept.’ This well-known account found in the Gospel of Mark tells us that Jesus’ predictions about Peter was borne out; much to Peter’s anguish. He did deny Jesus as Jesus foretold that he would which caused Peter, after pondering it, to weep. Why? Peter became broken at this point as he fully realised that his understanding and zeal that he had as a follower of Jesus eroded by being identified as a follower of Jesus at the crucial time when it would have been dangerous to be associated with Jesus.
This weeping was no ordinary tears, but soul-wracking sobs which broke down all of Peter’s character, pierced his soul and ransacked his heart. Peter would never be the same again.
That must have been a very dark time for Peter in which he thought that he had done the unthinkable, the unforgivable, which must have made him feel incredibly guilty, ashamed and isolated.
However, as we all know, Jesus was crucified - laid down his life for the human race so that we may have the hope of salvation and the gift of eternal life, but He rose on the third day. Praise God!
When the women came to visit the tomb where He had laid, they were met, unbeknownst to them, by angel, who told them in Mark 16:7 ‘“But go, tell His disciples—and Peter—that He is going before you into Galilee; there you will see Him, as He said to you.”’
Why mention Peter specifically by name? These are my thoughts. Peter was mentioned specifically by name to let Peter know, when he received that message, that he was forgiven and loved, still.
Can you imagine the incredible joy in Peter’s heart when he realised that the same Jesus that he had denied, was not denying him; on the contrary. He loved him, purposed him and used him mightily for His kingdom. Such love, grace and mercy!
As it was with Peter, so it is with us. We who have messed up and made mistakes, will be forgiven, loved and shown grace and mercy. All we need to do is be willing to be broken like Peter was and live for Christ as he did thereafter.
There is so much hope in those two words - “… -and Peter…", hope that can make an aching heart be soothed, can dry the tears and can make a soul salved.
As this insight into this passage of Scripture is helping me, I pray that it will help you also.
Let me know your thoughts in the comments.
Until next time.
Love & Blessings
xxx
Last Night…
A lesson in humility.
Meeting David Olusoga was not just a privilege; it was a profound insight into the layers of history and humanity he embodies. His presence radiated wisdom and a deep understanding of the social narratives that shape our world. As he spoke, each word seemed to resonate beyond the immediate context, challenging us to reconsider our perspectives on identity and heritage. Listening to him brought forth a unique opportunity to reflect on our own biases and assumptions, and to appreciate the intricate tapestry of stories that define our shared human experience. This encounter was not merely a meeting but an invitation to grow, to listen, and to embrace humility in the face of diverse histories.
An evening, I shall ever remember.
Until next time.
Love & Blessings
xxx
World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day
June 1st, is World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day or otherwise known as WAAD.
Every June 1st, the day is given over to raising awareness of what it is that is narcissistic abuse, what it looks like, how it is perpetrated and what can be done to minimise its harmful effects and to, in the future, avoid as much as possible.
This website is dedicated to helping those who have sadly experienced narcissistic abuse. This website is from a Christian worldview because, owing to my lived experience, what I have found is the best way to help with the healing process, is the wonderful and powerful words of God.
Did you know that what we would identify as taxi traits can be found in the Bible?
2 Timothy 3:2-5 informs us that:
‘For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, 3 unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good, 4 traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. And from such people turn away!’
We are instructed, actually, commanded to stay away from these individuals.
Staying away can be difficult for some, but those who can, do so.
However, everyone can seek out healing for themselves. Therefore, check out the 10-step recovery guide in the store to help you recover and heal from this impactful abuse which scars are not always visible.
Until next time.
Love & Blessings
xxx
Roots: Avoiding Narcissistic Abuse
Today, I felt like Lady Macbeth in Act 5 -”Out damned spot.” Why was it so hard to get out?
Pulling, heaving and wresting the stubborn, large, metamorphosed, weed that was doing all that it could to stay secure in the soil that equally did not so easily want to see prised out; I was having a challenging time to say the least. The inattentiveness to my garden had allowed the weeds to take over so that it resembled ‘Little Shop of horrors’. Or like the weeds were on steroids!
However, finally, this particular weed was levered out and what surprised me the most was the long white singular root that had inserted and insinuated itself into the inviting soil that so readily wanted to hold onto it. Seeing the cause of my backbreaking efforts and realising that it was due to this singular root made me think that once again, nature was teaching me or revealing something to me yet again.
How often, due to the inattentiveness to the garden which is our lives, do we allow weeds to grow?
The weeds can be symbolic of and representative of the things - behaviours, attitudes, emotions, thoughts - which we allow to grow, fester, and manifest in negative ways which we seem incapable of dealing with. Much like my stubborn weed.
You see, above the soil were the thick stems and broad leaves with a purple flower atop each stem: looking somewhat attractive. However, what could not be ignored that although there was a flower making the plant look presentable and dare I say pretty, it was still a weed. A parasitic weed which had sprung up and was draining the soil of precious nutrients which another plant could be enjoying.
As you know, weeds need no invitation: they will spring up anywhere and everywhere. Much like the weeds which are in our hearts, minds and souls, the weeds of past hurts and pain will and can spring up anywhere. Triggers.
This is why it is so important to get to the root of a matter and uproot the weed at that level - the root.
Roots go down deep, deep into soil; so does trauma reach down deep into the soil of your soul. Excavation is needed and that only happens when you start digging up and rooting up that which has long lay dormant. (A trusted therapist or counsellor can support this). Interestingly, the thick stems, broad leaves and small flowers are reminiscent of the things that others see and think of as your characteristics, but they are not. Whatever these things are for you such as a witty personality, attractive physical appearance, a sense of humour: these things have no substance because they are not really you, arguably. They are the hollow facade which is in place to cover up and hide what really lies beneath the surface. Much like the weed root below the soil.
When I tugged and tugged and finally, the weed was uprooted, that one root made me think that oftentimes, it can be just one thing in our past, in our childhood that when left un-dealt with, spawns so much more that will ultimately need to be dealt with and addressed.
As we countdown to the annual World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day WNAAD on June 1st, take it from me, you will ALWAYS be susceptible to individuals with narcissistic traits unless you first deal with yourself and your past hurts. At the root level.
A lot of people use weedkillers in their gardens. Do you know what is the best weedkiller to use in the garden of your life, your soul?
Love.
Self-love is the best way to avoid being targeted, used and discarded by someone with narcissistic traits.
Want to know how?
If you have been impacted and you are wanting to start your healing journey, check out my 10-step recovery guide at the store.
One weed at a time. One root at a time. One step at a time and one day at a time, we will make it over to the other side where your healing awaits.
Come join me as we journey together and remember, be kind to yourself.
Until next time.
Love & Blessings
xxx
Seasons
Can’t believe another month has come and gone.
As the tide ebbs and flows, so the seasons comes and goes.
Our season began in the Autumn Term of 2019
A new school for you, a new job for me
7H –that first “hello” which has quickly turned into a last “goodbye”
Never thought that time would so swiftly fly
Like the sands of time trickling through an hourglass
The years have morphed and have quickly passed
Memories, like balloons released into the sky
Recalling times and seasons of terms gone by
Watching you grow from year to year
Not going to lie; sometimes all I could do was grin and bear…
Being a ‘form mum’ is not easy, you see
Neither is being a form tutor with all its responsibility
Christmas hamper fails, sports day efforts, tears and fears,
Worn on your faces and on your shoulders were all the cares
Joys and triumphs - the calloused hands from the tug-of-war
To the checking of uniforms and if time would allow to share; so much more
But fly, time did, and the memories coalesce
Some recollections have faded, some still fresh
Never thought that I would see you leave to take your place
Somewhere else and leave behind an empty space
An empty space not only in 2.15, but also in my heart
But this is the right time for you and I, to part
Just as wood matures due to its preparation
It is now time for our separation
Separation from the school that has shaped and moulded you,
Leaving behind a myriad of memories; not just a few
Going forward to forge new beginnings
Striding towards and stretching for the prize worth having
This is YOUR time, this is YOUR season
Let me remind you of the reason
Summer is the time when the flowers are in full bloom
So, for you, life is about to make room
For you to take your place, your place on the wider stage,
This chapter has been written, you are now turning the page,
Therefore, as only you can, write your next chapter well
Taking with you the lessons, laughter and memories; in each heart to dwell
So, be brave, lift your head to the sky, take wing and fly
Our season has ended, and now it is time to say goodbye.
Until next time.
Love & Blessings
xxx
Turning the Corner
Thank you, for your kind comment. Blessings 🙏🏽
Life has been lifing and it has been a minute since I have been able to post! Can’t believe we have arrived at the last day in March so I could not let the month end without finding the time to post about a beautiful moment which happened earlier this month.
Currently, my life is full of major decisions to take and working out what my next future steps will be. Hopefully, what I will share will resonate with you and be a source of encouragement for those going through similar.
I love looking to the horizon: love the sunrises and especially, the sunsets.
Leaving work one day, I drove along the familiar road leading me away from my workplace and when I got to my usual right turn, what greeted my line of vision made me want to complete a perfect emergency stop!
The most complete and incandescent rainbow rose above the road as though placed there by the hands of the angels. Perfectly composite: layer upon layer of exquisite, translucent colour; resplendently replete was the magnificent rainbow. My breath involuntarily stopped as I gazed at the vista before me whilst I -in auto-pilot - carried on driving.
I had turned the corner and perfection lay before my eyes.
The Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary’s defines the phrase, ‘ Turning the corner as, ‘to get past the most difficult area or period in something and begin to improve.’
Right now, in my life, I am facing and in a difficult period, but I believe that I will turn the corner and there will be beauty in my life just as I did that day when leaving work and I literally turned the corner.
I was reminded of God’s promise to His people in the first book of the Bible, Genesis, when He declared, “ I set My rainbow in the cloud, and it shall be for the sign of the covenant between Me and the earth.” In this verse, God made a promise that Bible scholars are unanimous about in their understanding: God will never again destroy the earth with a flood.
God always keeps His promises and His word.
As God is faithful to keep His word, I was assured when I gazed at the beautiful reminder of God’s mercies which are ‘new every morning’ according to Jeremiah in the book of Lamentations, that God’s promise to me in Jer 29:11-13, He will keep.
I am waiting on Him to guide me into turning the corner of my life. Actively waiting, not passively, mind you.
What are you trusting God for and what encouragement has He sent your way to strengthen your faith while you wait?
Let me know in the comments section below.
Until next time.
Love and Blessings!
xxx
The Wind Listeth
Walking with the wind in my face, dog by my side and the twilight shimmers of colour shading the sky. the trees displaying their golden, brown and orange hues as if dressed by a royal stylist.
The wind invigorates, refreshes and energises you; filling you with the sense that you can take on the world! This is like the Holy Spirit, like a rushing mighty wind. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Until next time.
Love & Blessings
xxx
Resilience
A buzz word in recent times that I’m sure you all have heard of. Resilience, according to the Oxford learning Dictionary is, ‘the capacity to withstand or to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.’
Why am I writing about this? Watching my daughter give birth to her first child was a masterclass in resilience. Managing on the mildest pain relief and gas and air, regulating her breathing and working with her God-created body, enabled her to withstand the contractions and to safely deliver her son.
Standing in amazement and in awe over what God had accomplished on the delivery day was nothing short of incredible!
Never will I forget, what prayer can do as we turn over everything to God and allow Him to help us through times that we did not think we could get through.
Until next time.
Love & Blessings
xxx
Seoul Searching
Have you ever travelled solo?
After being blessed (shout out to my mum) with a much-longed for plane ticket to a country I had oft spoken of: South Korea, I undertook my first solo travel experience.
I knew travelling by myself would teach me things about myself, I just didn’t know what the lessons would be.
Going to places that I had only read about or seen in my favourite K drama or watched on a social media platform was beyond exciting! However, excitement and contentment are two different things. In Busan I felt comfortable, content and ‘normal’ as though I had been in the city before. On Jeju Island, I appreciated the stunningly beautiful nature scenes, the friendly interaction and help given by those who lived and worked there and in Seoul, was wowed time and time again by the side by side urban, modern landscape next to the traditional.
Along with my high times, I had a couple of low times. I had to do some soul or Seoul searching while I was there and this is what He showed me after I returned. A lesson that I learned from one of my low moments is that when you make a mistake and mess up, God is not disappointed IN you, He is disappointed FOR you. He will always seek for your good. He will always want the best for your life as Jeremiah 29:11 states, “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”
Allow God to give you His best.
Until next time.
Love & Blessings
xxx
Lessons From the Park
Blossoms, bold and loaded with a vibrant array of colours led the march from spring into summer. Days became longer, the sun turned its thermostat up a notch or two and people were out more walking in the park where I took my dog, most days, for his (leisurely) stroll.
What follows are two lessons I learned from my walks, and I thought I would share my insights with you.
My dog was minding his own business and having a good sniff while I strolled on. After a while, he looked up, ears cocked and swung his head from left to right, presumably to see where I was.
Meanwhile, two other dogs noticed my dog and started towards him, looking for an additional playmate. Hopefully. Now, we all know, dogs don’t have the best of eyesight, so he kept looking around, all the while the other dogs were getting closer and closer to him. Appearing distracted for mere seconds, I decided to call him.
As I called out his name, he looked up, in the direction he heard my voice and then what he did next made me smile from ear to ear. He did not look to the left or to the right, he looked straight at where he had heard my voice and he started running. Completely ignoring the other two dogs who were by now right in his vicinity and usually would have distracted him, he ran towards me.
I called his name again to encourage him and he galloped straight to me. Patting him and telling him what a good ‘boi’ he was, I smiled because he had heard my voice and did not let anything deter him from getting to me and it reminded me of what Jesus said in the Gospel of John “My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me.” John 10:27
The obedience shown by my dog on that occasion, is a lesson for me to learn and can apply it to my relationship with Jesus. Just look to Jesus and follow His voice when He calls.
Another lesson was what came to me after observing the following.
A father had arrived on bike to meet his two sons outside the playground area in the park, but he stopped and waited for them a little further away from the playground. The younger son had his helmet on and was unsure and a little wobbly on his own bike. The father watched and waited. The older son, surer of his own proficiency on his bike, observing his little brother’s uncertainty gave one thoughtful instruction which had the brother put his foot on the pedal, push down and start pedalling towards his father with his brother at his side. What did the older brother say? “Just follow dad.”
This is what we should say to ourselves and to others who desire a relationship with their heavenly father – “Just follow dad”, and we cannot go wrong. Romans 8: 15-17 tells us,’…you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father.” 16 The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, 17 and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him, that we may also be glorified together.’
As can be seen by the second passage of Scripture, we are joint heirs and as joint heirs, that means Christ is our Elder Brother, giving us encouragement as this older brother did for his younger brother. Listening for God’s voice, following it in obedience and following His word, His actions are what makes us true followers and disciples of Christ.
Both my dog and the son felt secure as they obeyed and that is how we will feel by following the example of the One who has our best interest at heart.
May you experience the peace, assurance and security as we listen to His voice, walk in obedience and follow in His footsteps.
Until next time.
Love & Blessings
xxx
“You are Mine!” Man’s jealousy vs Godly jealousy
Warning: contains upsetting and triggering information. #ifmywoundswerevisible - WNAAD23
“You are mine.” During the love bombing stage these three words are like a sweetly serenaded song gently caressing your ear as you complicitly agree that yes, this person who you have known (possibly) only for a relatively short time chooses you to be theirs.
Soon after, however, because the narcissist cannot keep up an act for too long, those three words now sound controlling, coercive and possessive.
A narcissist or someone presenting with the traits associated with narcissism can and will treat you as though you are an object. You are in their life to make them look good (to others) and feel good about themselves because you are their supply. That is why you are theirs or as they say, “You are mine!”
Narcissistic Behaviours
To keep you as their source of supply, they will
§ Lie to you
§ Belittle you and then hold out a breadcrumb of a backhanded compliment
§ Gaslight you so you question your version of events
§ Constantly change the goalposts
§ Swirl your head with word salad
§ Not take accountability
§ Deliberately provoke you and when you retaliate, they will tell you it is your fault
§ Constantly compare you and criticise you (within a triangulation) so you feel that you don’t ever measure up and as though you actually have no value without them
§ Never apologise (or if they do, it will be worded as though you are to blame)
§ Have a great sense of entitlement
§ Not adhere (or try not to) to any boundaries
§ Suck you dry and drain you emotionally, physically, mentally, financially
All the above and so much more is layered into the declaration of “You are mine!”
Mine to coerce
Mine to control
Mine to lie to
Mine to emotionally abuse
Mine to gaslight
Mine to tear down
Mine to belittle
Mine to discard
When I’ve had enough, when you’ve seen through me, when I’ve found another source of supply who will take me on full time.
When a narcissist states, “You are mine! they are not saying it from a place of genuine love, but from a place of ownership and entitlement.
Whatever the reason the person is presenting with narcissistic traits or has actually been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder according to DSM-5, you will ultimately decide as to how much access that person has to you and your life. For some, they will have to have access, for others, you may make a choice that they have no access. Whatever you decide, you the survivor, will need to make and maintain very strong boundaries.
God’s Boundaries and love
Boundaries are something that God knows all about. In Numbers 34:12, when God gave land to His people, He instructed, “…the border shall go down along the Jordan, and it shall end at the Salt Sea. This shall be your land with its surrounding boundaries.’ Then, in the New Testament, in Acts 17:26, it was observed of God, “And He has made from one blood every nation of men to dwell on all the face of the earth, and has determined their pre-appointed times and the boundaries of their dwellings.”
Both of these passages speak of what God gives to His loved ones. He does not take. Oooopps, silly me, of course He takes. He takes:
§ Your worry and gives you assurance
§ Your shame and gives you grace
§ Your broken heart and gives you healing
§ Your wounded soul and gives you peace
§ Your hurt and gives you hope
§ Your tears and gives you joy
§ Your fears and gives you faith
The Creator God of the universe takes such an interest in you that when you are ready to start your healing journey, He is right there with you. For He has promised to ‘never leave you nor forsake you.’
Typically, when a narcissist calls you, they call you not by your name, but by a pet name such as babe or darling amongst others. Arguably, so that if they are cheating on you romantically speaking, it would be harder for them to trip up by calling you by the wrong name.
God knows your name
However, God not only knows your name, but He also calls you by it. Isaiah 43:1 has one of the most beautiful passages of Scripture as God Himself states, “But now, thus says the Lord, who created you, O Jacob, And He who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; You are Mine.”
When God states, “You are Mine.” it is vastly different to man’s statement. To belong to God means (as someone said) that you are the ultimate nepo-babe! He can and He will love you, care for you, provide for you, fight for you, be your All in All.
With God there is no hatred or indifference: only pure agape love.
To know more and to start your own healing journey, go to the store and get your 10-step recovery guide. World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day -June 1st, let this day be the day when you decide who gets to say, “You are mine.”
Choosing God is choosing to regain your identity that you lost, regaining your sense of worth and value, regaining your personhood, regaining your purpose. I know who I would choose. I have already made my choice. What will yours be?
See you on the other side!
Until next time.
Love & Blessings
xxx
#ifmywoundswerevisible - supporting WNAAD 2023!
Are You Stealing Tomorrow's Experiences and Blessings From Today?
Just a couple of days before the end of the month and I had an experience which I just had to share.
It is the time of year when the Year 11-year group leave the school amidst the exam season. As an educator, I don’t quite get used to saying goodbye to the outgoing students: the tears, words of encouragement, the signing of the school shirt are all rites of passage that only the Year 11 student (in the UK) will pass through as they bid farewell to their teachers who have cajoled, cautioned and challenged them (gently) over the years to be and to do their best.
That day, came for me, on Friday. However, surprisingly, a Year 10 student thought that he would get in on the action and arrived at my class with his shirt signed. Laughingly, he informed me that he wanted to see if he could get his shirt signed by some of the Year 11s that would be leaving and as they wouldn’t be around next year, he thought it would be good to have them sign it now.
Reflecting on what he said, I quickly responded with, “Don’t steal tomorrow’s experiences from today.” As I uttered the words, I knew that I would be writing about this experience.
The scenario, just mentioned, reminds me of when we project into the future so much and act as though we are already there, we can miss out and even lose out on blessings. Both in the present, but also in the future.
A case in point is how a narcissist will ‘future fake’ with a person in their life and orbit.
A classic example is you meet someone and after they have successfully love-bombed you in a very short space of time, they start telling you how they can see themselves married to you and that you are their spouse. Calling you ‘wifey’ which leads you to take on a wifely role when you have no ring on your finger. You reason that you will become this person’s wife one day so that it is okay for you to take on wifely responsibilities - be it emotional, physical or financial.
Ultimately, you end up stealing tomorrow’s experiences and blessings from today. Don’t fall for the trap!
Just as my student will now never experience the unique, unparalleled and distinctive occasion of having his shirt signed in Year 11 as he went ahead of time and did it in Year 10, so you will never experience the blessings that are reserved for you tomorrow as you have already had them today.
God tells us to wait on Him and part of doing that is to trust Him and not what man tells us. We are reminded in Scripture (Matthew 7:15 -16 “Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves. 16 You will know them by their fruits.” Also, we are told in Lamentations 3:26 ‘It is good that one should hope and wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.’
Let us wait for the Lord to work in our lives and not seek to run before Him. Just as unripe fruit is bitter to the taste, so are unripe experiences bitter to the life. As this month is drawing to a close, let us remember to wait and not rush, tarry and not haste knowing that in God’s perfect timing, He who knows the end from the beginning, He who spans past, present and future can and will escort you, like a true Gentleman, into your future that He has already planned for you as according to Jeremiah 29: 11 “ For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” If we would only believe.
As we countdown to World Narcissist Abuse Awareness Day WNAAD June 1st 2023, prepare your mind, heart and soul to go on a healing journey. Make sure you go to our store and purchase your own copy of the newly updated 10-Step Narcissist Abuse Recovery Guide. It is time for you to go to the other side where your healing awaits!
Until next time.
Love & Blessings
xxx
Holding the Line!
So, as the countdown to World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day WNAAD 2023 begins in earnest, I am using this blog post to acknowledge and to encourage, in advance, all those who have been maintaining clear boundaries with those in their lives who are displaying Narcissistic traits.
It is interesting to note that in the run-up to June 1st, I have been prompted to write about boundaries by what I have been experiencing in my own life. Boundaries are the very clear guidelines or demarcation lines that you communicate and show to another person – so far, but no further.
Using nature as an example, we have all seen the devastation caused when water moves out of its boundary line: flooding happens. So too, can damage, destruction and even death can occur when a boundary is not upheld and held in place.
I know it would not have been easy to go no contact – such as blocking someone on social media and your phone and/or completely disengaging from the other person’s life. However, this is not always possible should you have to maintain contact through parenting or employment, for example. Using the grey rock method – making yourself as impenetrable, solid and boring as a grey rock. When engaging, speaking in a monotone, avoiding eye contact, aiming not to react emotionally and giving non-committal answers to any questions. Always ensuring that your interaction is as brief as possible – that is what grey rock method is.
Reminding yourself along the way that recovery from the abuse is a process and to give yourself permission to not beat yourself up when you take a step back. Being kind to yourself is crucial in the recovery process.
May I remind you that this cannot only be accounted for using psychological terms and definitions, it can also be explained through a spiritual lens. In the Bible, Paul wrote a letter (from a prison cell) to Timothy – his fellow younger apostle – to warn him that in their day and more so ours, we would witness what Calvin explains. “We should note what the hardness or danger of this time is in Paul’s view to be, not war, not famine, or diseases, nor any of the calamities or ills that befall the body, but the wicked and depraved ways of men.”Arguably, we are experiencing and living through the other ‘calamities’ which Calvin mentions, but he, in this quotation, focuses on the behaviour and choices of mankind in this age. I am sure that we can agree that we are witnessing a degradation of how human beings treat each other. Examples such as the refugee crisis and the proliferation of violence against women can attest to what Paul warned in 2 Timothy 3:1-6 when he wrote ‘1 But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come: 2 For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, 3 unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good, 4 traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. And from such people turn away!’
Please pay attention and note that a Biblical imperative is used here, ‘From such turn away!’ The exclamative sentence emphasises the directive here which is to go no contact. What more encouragement do you need?
For those of us who find it difficult saying “no”, establishing and maintaining those hard-fought boundaries, my hope is that after reading the list of behaviours and matching them against individuals in your own life, that you will understand that the loving thing to do is to ‘turn away’ from them as they are not in your life to do you good, only to rob you of your joy, sense of self, personhood and ultimately, your identity in Christ.
Should you want to know more about recovering from narcissistic abuse, please check out the updated edition of my 10-Step Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Guide which will be back soon for sale on the website.
Look out for the 15% discount should you purchase your own valuable copy just in time for WNAAD 2023!
Until next time.
Love & Blessings
xxx
Toxic or a Tonic?
Phew!
What a busy month it has been! I’ve hardly had time to catch my breath, let alone anything else. With that said, I felt like I just had to share this thought with you all.
Let me ask you a question and please be thoughtfully honest. In your friendship circle, are you the friend that the others confide in as they know that their business won’t go anywhere else or are you the last to know something? Are others open with you as they know you will respond positively or are people cagey and walk on eggshells around you, skirting topics like a beginner skater navigating the circumference of a rink?
In short, what I’m asking is: are you toxic or are you a tonic?
We’ve all heard of the word toxic and most of us use it frequently and sometimes inaccurately. According to the Merriam-Webster online dictionary, toxic is defined as ‘containing or contaminated with a substance capable of injuring or killing a living thing.’ Near synonyms include: ‘harmful, hurtful and malignant.’ Whereas a tonic is defined as ‘having a renewing effect on the state of the body or mind.’ The near synonyms of tonic being, refreshing, strengthening and even therapeutic.’
Having defined toxic and tonic, which one would you, after honest reflection, say you are? More importantly, which one would you desire to be?
Whichever we are, let us use the Scriptures to help us be better than what we currently are. Proverbs 16: 24 expresses ‘Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, Sweetness to the soul and health to the bones.’
As you come to the end of the first three months of the year, it’s a good time to take stock of where you are since January – how far you have come on your journey to being a better you?
This is your year of being better, knowing better, doing better and expecting better - of yourself first and foremost; then, of others.
Until next time.
Love & Blessings
xxx
References:
Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary (Accessed 28/3/23)
Price Vs Value
Memories, settled like undisturbed dust, spring to life as the wind of remembrance rakes up long-forgotten recollections. Cognisance that had long not been comprehended, was now making its way back into consciousness like a slow uncoiling of an unceasing spool.
You had forgotten who you truly are.
In this month: the month most associated with love- especially, romantic love - we really need to take the time to unearth what is really of importance. The love that we should have first and foremost is for ourself before we should even consider seeking to love another. Oftentimes, we forget this vital and crucial truth: to love oneself, you must first get to know, embrace and accept (the good and the not-so-good) about yourself. Reflect, reminisce and recollect on the wonder and splendour that is you.
Psalms 139: 13-18 beautifully states:
13 For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.
17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
18 If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand.
This Psalm of David clearly describes that it is the Almighty God, Creator of the universe that also created you and I. He not only formed us, but skilfully, formed us in our mother’s womb. We can praise and thank God because we are emphatically told that we are, ‘fearfully and wonderfully made’ and that even God’s thoughts that He has of us, is ‘precious’’.
If you are currently feeling that you are not enough, not of worth, whatever you do is wrong, feel ashamed, not worthy, be reminded of who you truly are: a dear and precious child of God.
I was reminded of this in an interesting way. You see God cannot be limited in what He will use to teach you insightful lessons.
Last week, I was watching a K Drama entitled ‘Crash Course in Romance’ and one of the main characters stated, “There is a difference between price and value.” Upon hearing these words, I reflected on their meaning and concluded that the value you place on yourself determines your price e.g., how much time, effort, money etc will someone spend on you because they deem that you are worth it?
However, bringing this thought to bear upon one’s own self could look like ( rather than another person spending/ paying a price), how much time, effort, money etc do you spend on yourself? You see, to value yourself is actually to love yourself.
Then I thought what could the spiritual application be? This conclusion does not work with God. With God, there is no difference between price and value. Simply put: God values each one of us-His created beings- that Jesus Christ, His only Son, paid the ultimate price - His sacrifice and death on the cross - to pay for our sins. The ultimate demonstration of love!
Therefore, as we come to the end of this month, consider who you are. Remember who you truly are in the eyes of a loving God and remember you are priceless and your worth is unquantifiable.
Until next time.
Love & Blessings
xxx
When God Digs You Out
Well…, can you believe that we are almost at the end of the first month of this new year -2023? I am sure that by now your new year resolutions have lost their impetus and feel about as useful as last year’s wrapping paper.
We mean well, don’t we? But then old habits resurface and we slip into old patterns which are as comfortable as a worn in pair of old slippers.
We are good at messing up aren’t we? We slip back into the patterns of behaviour that made our experiences of 2022 less than stellar. When we mess up and cannot move ourselves out of the mire that we are stuck in, that is when God can step in and rescue us out of our situation. Only if we cry to Him and ask for help. Psalms 30: 10 confirms,’” Hear, O Lord, and have mercy on me; Lord, be my helper!”’ Following, the response in Psalms 37: 40 is, ‘And the Lord shall help them and deliver them; He shall deliver them from the wicked, And save them, Because they trust in Him.’ These are two of the many examples evidencing how God will help us when we ask.
Interestingly, our asking can look and sound like different things such as, tears streaming down the face of a sorrowful person, it can sound like an agonising, guttural groan of anguish, it can be a silent prayer which consists of just three words: God, help me! Whatever the cry, it moves the heart and hand of God who just wants to step in and save us out of our situation. That saving, that delivering may not be as we envisage, but it will be as according to an all-wise God.
Why does God do this? Romans 8:39 gives us a clear answer, ‘…nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.’
This verse successfully highlights that nothing can come between God and His people. We are His and He is ours. Remind yourself of this wonderful verse whenever you feel down, discouraged or disconnected from either yourself, others or God. He can and He will step in, help despite our flaws, help despite our misadventures, help despite our tendency for trouble, help despite our almost mastery of messing up. Such love!
Watching the late poet Maya Angelou speak about her realisation of God’s love for her struck a resounding chord with me as I, too, had had such an epiphany moment!
Additionally, the next video clip is a must to watch not only if you like dogs, but it is reminiscent of how God will save us from situations or dig us out of the messes we sometimes find ourselves in. Sometimes our doing other times not.
Watch and enjoy!
So, we are almost at the end of January, but take heart and be encouraged: the same God that brought you into the new year is the same God that has taken you through this month (irrespective of kept or broken resolutions) and He will be the same God that will carry us through each day. Philippians 4:13 - a very well-known passage in Scripture contains a powerful promise for us to claim each day as we journey to the end of January and beyond. ‘I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.’ God can and He will give us the necessary strength to enable us to make the effective and long lasting changes in our lives that we so want and need.
Until next time.
Love & Blessings
xxx
‘Our Refuge and Strength’: A message for a new year
Hi everyone
I wasn’t planning on writing another blog post this month, but after my quiet time with God this morning, I felt that I had to share what He showed me.
In the dying embers of this year, where around the world, there has been a spate of bad news: lives lost in the ‘cyclone bomb’ of a snow storm wreaking havoc across the USA. The conflict in Ukraine shows no signs of abating, protests, persecutions and public executions in Iran, no education for females in Afghanistan, figures in the public eye dying such as Pele and closer to home: precious lives lost due to senseless violence.
All these tragedies and so much more are enough to make anyone feel despair, discouraged and downcast. Wondering that if this is how 2022 is ending, what hope is there for better in 2023?
However, as I read Psalms 46 this morning, a passage I have read countless times before, God opened my eyes to a new way of looking at these well-known verses.
First, let me give the context of this Psalm. According to my woman’s study Bible, it is a psalm which tells of ‘God the refuge of His people and conqueror of the nations’. Additionally, it is ‘A psalm of the sons of Korah. A song for Alamoth.’ Inferred is that the writer showed his faith in God with this penned psalm.
The opening verse is an oft quoted one, usually when a person needs reassurance of God’s help in times of difficulty and distress. ‘God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in time of trouble.’ Examining the words closely, God is portrayed as someone who the writer has personal past experience with and can state in a declarative sentence that God is – present tense – a God in whom they can put their trust and they know that He will be to them, ‘ a very present help’ meaning that He is not absent, but is right there with them in their situation being a source of help ‘refuge’ (a place of safety) and ‘strength’.
As I continued reading, marvelling that I was only noticing what I will share next, for the first time. Out of the 11 verses, 10 of them are written in third person. The only one which is written in first person is verse 10: ‘Be still and know that I am God;…’
Study notes accompanying this verse explained, ‘Be still (lit. to “sink” or “to relax” encourages the hearer to stop all struggle and find the peace of faith.’ Reading this explanation caused me to look anew at this verse which I have quoted so often before. To those who believe, God is and will be present in your predicaments and a hope in a seemingly hopeless situation. He is a place of strength so when you feel weak, you can draw strength from Him. Important to note, that this does not only mean physical strength, but emotional, mental, and of course spiritual strength also. Furthermore, God also emphasises, ‘I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!’ Why can He state this with all certainty? God is God: He alone is omnipotent, omniscient and omnipresent!
Moreover, I realised that the writer is reminding God of who He has been to the writer as though in a conversation and God answers back using the imperative, ‘Be still and know that I am God.’ It is as if God is commanding the writer to relax into the faith that he has, knowing with all certainty that God will come through for the writer: be his place of safety and strength once again.
Also noted was the impactful use of repetition. ‘The Lord of hosts is with us; The God of Jacob is our refuge.’ Both times this phrase is stated, it is followed by ‘Selah’ which means pause. The writer built into this psalm of encouragement places to pause, ponder and consider that God was, is, is to come and thus is presently powerful in all our problems.
This should be encouraging to each of us as we ring out an old year and welcome a new one.
Looking around us we may not see anything to uplift us amid all the turmoil both foreign and domestic, but if we can remember to look up, look unto our Heavenly Father, God, He can be, as He was for the writer of Psalm 46, ‘our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble.’ We just need to breathe and ‘be still ‘and know that He is God
I don’t know your circumstances or what situation you are in, but my prayer for you as we move into a new year is that you will be encouraged as you seek to make God your help.
Until next time.
Love & Blessings
xxx
References: The Woman’s Study Bible NKJV Second Edition (1995,2006) Thomas Nelson
Read the full passage below.
Psalms 46
God is our refuge and strength,
A very present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear,
Even though the earth be removed,
And though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea;
3 Though its waters roar and be troubled,
Though the mountains shake with its swelling. Selah
4 There is a river whose streams shall make glad the city of God,
The holy place of the tabernacle of the Most High.
5 God is in the midst of her, she shall not be moved;
God shall help her, just at the break of dawn.
6 The nations raged, the kingdoms were moved;
He uttered His voice, the earth melted.
7 The Lord of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah
8 Come, behold the works of the Lord,
Who has made desolations in the earth.
9 He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;
He breaks the bow and cuts the spear in two;
He burns the chariot in the fire.
10 Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!
11 The Lord of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah
Humbly Entitled
Humbly entitled - sounds like an oxymoron doesn't it? Read to the end and the meaning will become clear.
46.2%, 27.5 million.
‘For the first time in a census of England and Wales, less than half of the population described themselves as “Christian” a 13.1 percentage point decrease from 59.3% (33.3 million) in 2011.’ The report carries on to observe that ‘despite this decrease, “Christian” remained the most common response to the [voluntary] religion response.’ Census 2021
Even with these startlingly, but hardly shocking statistics, at this time of year, people will still remember that Jesus is associated with this month. Yes, we do know that Jesus was not actually born in December as many Biblical scholars can attest. Even mainstream websites give the same information. A credible example is History.com. According to it’s website:
In the early years of Christianity Easter was the main holiday; the birth of Jesus was not celebrated. In the fourth century, church officials decided to institute the birth of Jesus as a holiday. Unfortunately, the Bible does not mention date for his birth (a fact Puritans later pointed out in order to deny the legitimacy of the celebration). Although some evidence suggests that his birth may have occurred in the spring (why would shepherds be herding in the middle of winter?), Pope Julius I chose December 25. It is commonly believed that the church chose this date in an effort to adopt and absorb the traditions of the pagan Saturnalia festival. First called the Feast of the Nativity, the custom spread to Egypt by 432 and to England by the end of the sixth century.
The Bible’s silence on Jesus’ actually birth month may be because we do not need to focus on which date He was born, the most important factor is that He was born.
Born for a purpose.
We are told in the Gospel of Luke 1: 30-33, ‘Then the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. 31 And behold, you will conceive in your womb and bring forth a Son, and shall call His name Jesus. 32 He will be great, and will be called the Son of the Highest; and the Lord God will give Him the throne of His father David. 33 And He will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and of His kingdom there will be no end.”’
Later, Luke records in the second chapter and 52nd verse ‘And Jesus increased in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men.’
Later in His life, when He was 30 years old, Jesus began His earthly ministry which culminated at the cross three and a half years later. ‘And He, bearing His cross, went out to a place called the Place of a Skull, which is called in Hebrew, Golgotha, 18 where they crucified Him…’ John 19:17-18
The question to ask and not just at this time of year is why did He come? Why did Jesus have to be born?
The answer appears seemingly simple, but it is not. Wrapped up in the straightforward answer of: He was born so that He could minister by teaching, preaching the Gospel, healing and then die (sacrificed for our sins) is the entire plan of salvation born out of a unfathomable love that God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit has for fallen man - the human race. That means, for each one of us, as individuals.
What has Jesus’ death accomplished?
Through His death, we are now considered sons and daughters of God . Romans 8:14 -17 declares ‘14 For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. 15 For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father.” 16 The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, 17 and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him, that we may also be glorified together.’ Additionally, ‘For you are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus. Gal 3:26
Through Christ’s unselfish sacrifice, all those who choose to accept this amazing gift of love, can consider ourselves sons and daughters of God. As God is the King of kings, we are royalty!
Therefore, we are then humbly entitled to a relationship, the benefits of having a King for a Heavenly Father. We are commanded, ‘Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.’ Hebrews 4:16 God, Himself, has made us ‘joint heirs’ with Christ, and has brought us into relationship with Himself, thus we are entitled to the benefits so long as we endure the hardships. It is and will be those hardships that defines our character and keeps us humble.
Can you believe it?! Christ gave His life for each one of us even though we are laden down with sins and have done so much wrong. Yet, His love, through His sacrifice on the cross, cancels out our sins and sets us free. If we so choose.
This realisation should keep us humble as we seek to be in a sincere relationship with Him. Entitled, yet humble.
At this time of year and even more so because we are in the swan song of 2022, let us keep our minds on the truth that Jesus came, died, rose again and will come back again. Now that is Good News worth sharing!
To encourage you, listen to this beautiful song that reminds us that Jesus gave His life for ours.
His Life For Mine by The Talley Trio
Listen with a tissue; you’ll need it!
Until next time.
Love & Blessings
xxx
What is in Your Healing Package?
God can and will use surprising things to bring about your healing.
Most of us, at sometime or another, will unfortunately, go through painful experiences in our lifetime. These times can either be due to circumstances outside our control such as the death of a loved one or we endure excruciating experiences because of our own actions or even non-actions.
When we pass through painful processes, we often feel as though we are initially in a tailspin as though our world is flipped upside down and it refuses to be righted again. Eventually, after this stubborn phase has passed, we are left with our emotions that look like flotsam and jetsam that are hurled by crashing waves and left strewn about; exposed on pebbles or rocks. Our landing never feels as though it is in soft sand.
When these events, circumstances, situations, experiences - call it what you will- happen, we often feel as though we have been have broken. Broken into pieces that appears at the time to be beyond repair. We feel like Humpty-Dumpty: that we cannot be put back together again.
However, just like in the nursery-rhyme, with us, ‘all the king’s horses and all the king’s men, couldn't put Humpty together again.’ You see, we may go to things and people to be repaired, to be healed and to be made whole once again, but let me gently and respectfully put it to you that although these things are good and useful, for you and anyone’s complete and total healing, they will need the touch of their Creator - God - on and in their lives.
The title of this post is ‘what is in your healing package?’ because God has a myriad of ways to bring about your healing: some very surprising! Do not try to limit God or put Him in a box of your limitations.
Apologies for being so forthright, but I have learned, through personal experience that God does not show up and do that we think He will do to bring us to a place of healing. The Bible is full of Jesus doing the extraordinary to minister to those who were in need of healing emotionally, psychologically, financially, socially, physically, spiritually to name a few. Some well-known examples are the ‘woman at the well’, ‘The 10 Lepers healed’, ‘The woman caught in the act of adultery’.
Over the course of my lifetime, my life, on occasion has been shipwrecked and left on the rocks of life: the most recent was when I experienced narcissistic abuse. I did not know how my healing would come about, but Jesus did.
Looking back, I still can’t believe what He used to put a smile on my face, to restore my self-worth, my sense of self and to minister to my soul. In no particular order, He put the following in place for my (tailored just for me) healing package.
Starting a blog
Reading pertinent Scriptures
Praying with a trusted friend
Attending counselling sessions with a Christian counsellor
Attending dance lessons (pre-lockdown) - Ballroom
Walks with my dog
Finding a new hobby - watching K-Dramas
Learning a language - Korean
God has done much more as well. Some of the items on my list may be surprising! To tell the truth, when I realised what God was and is using, I was surprised myself. This is when I realised, what we think God will use to bring about our healing and restoration is not necessarily what He will actually use. God does work in mysterious ways.
After reading the items in my healing package, why not reflect on your own healing journey and see if you can identify what is in your own healing package.
When Jesus ministered on earth, the Bible, in the Gospel of Matthew states, ‘Then Jesus went about all the cities and villages, teaching in their synagogues, preaching the gospel of the kingdom, and healing every sickness and every disease among the people.’ Matthew 9:35 Please note that Jesus did not use the same method each time to heal all the individuals wherever He went: He used different means, ways and forms. What He did then, He is still doing now.
Here’s hoping that you are on your own healing journey and that you will recognise what is in your healing package so that you can and will continue on your path to health and wholeness!
Until next time.
Love & Blessings
xxx