Don’t Try to Fill Someone Else’s Shoes; Walk in Your Own
The title above was some advice given to a temporary colleague who had taken over some work from a previous beloved colleague and felt as though they could not measure up. In that moment I responded with, “Don’t try to fill someone else’s shoes; walk in your own.” The saying, invented in that moment, caused us both to pause and ponder the profoundness of the quote as we realised that this saying was not just true for this particular situation, but for life itself.
Oftentimes, throughout our lives, we may be placed in a position where we have replaced someone else. Examples of differing situations could be: a new relationship, friendship group, a new job, a new member of a team amongst others. The outgoing person could have been very popular, well-liked, well-loved, and you, coming in, focus only on what the other person did. Their contributions were noteworthy therefore, you hear, ” what are we going to do now that they have gone? ” Also, “we miss them sooooo much!” Sound familiar?
We then feel inadequate, as though what we will bring to the table certainly won’t measure up, won’t be acknowledged, appreciated or valued. We are too scared to even try; to do our best in the place and position we now fill.
There is a saying that has had a impact on my life and it goes like this: ‘God does not call the qualified, He qualifies the called.’ This means that what God has called you to be, what He has called you, and only you to do, He, the Almighty One, the Great I Am, will give you strength and wisdom to accomplish your task, perform your role. The reason? To give Him glory.
Therefore, focus less on what the last person did and how well they did it and focus solely on what it is that you have to do. God has put you in that position and place for a reason, so look upward, ask for courage and strength so that you can walk in your own shoes.
Remember, the other person could well have different size feet to your own so trying to fill their shoes will make for an uncomfortable experience for you. Walk in your own shoes, thus ensuring that whatever you do encounter along the way, you are more readily able to deal with it; with God’s help.
Until next time.
Love & Blessings
Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day!
Today is Narcissistic Abuse Away Day!
Yes, you read correctly; all you brave and lovely survivors of narcissistic abuse, this is your day!
Your day to be seen. Your day to be heard. Your day to be remembered. Your day to be honoured.
It is no coincidence that on this day that the cause of death of Sarah Everard was publicised in the news: ‘compression to the neck’. It is also no coincidence that a study conducted by Ohio State University and originally published in the journal Psychological Bulletin’ on May 24 2021 and later on ‘SciTech Daily 30/5/21’, dealt with the link between narcissism and aggression.
These are two different and distinct publicised news items, but what they both have in common is information about that we are inhabiting a world in which another person’s self is not valued. Not esteemed. Not deemed of sufficient worth to bring no harm to bear on the other.
‘The study was led by Sophie Kjærvik, a graduate student in communication at Ohio State.’ It found that, “It is a pretty straightforward message: Narcissism is a significant risk factor for aggressive and violent behavior across the board,” said Brad Bushman, co-author of the study and professor of communication at The Ohio State University. Also, “The link we found between narcissism and aggression was significant – it was not trivial in size,” Kjærvik said. “The findings have important real-world implications.”’
“Real-world implications”, concluded Kjaervik: stark, real and very telling. We are living in a world where narcissistic behaviour and tendencies are sadly, becoming more normalised. This behaviour should not be accepted, tolerated neither condoned. It is a serious personality disorder at the highest end of the spectrum and at the lowest, we need to be mindful that we all have narcissistic traits to a certain extent and it behooves each one of us to undergo self-examinination and to address these traits; seeking to minimise and even eradicate such traits. We each need to look at ourselves honestly in the mirror and confront what is there.
We must educate ourselves and live the truth that we discover, not only so that we can live abundant lives, but so that we can be of service to others in our lives. Wherever we are, we can live so that others are positively impacted by our presence, not negatively.
Until next time
Love & Blessings
To see the full SciTech narcissism and aggression article, click here.
The Talk
Please note: first written and published 13/3/21
I cannot sleep. Thoughts pound through my head like the rhythmic talking drums of Africa. The repeated refrain sounds again and again through my mind disturbing any attempts of rest I am trying to have. Perturbed and disturbed, a ceaseless carousel of questions ricochet through and around my head when spontaneously they find an outlet as a torrent of tears stream from eyes that has seen too much. I try to staunch the flow, but they are insistent. No amount of tissues can hold them back as they gush forth and sodden the flimsy paper handkerchiefs, rendering them useless. Significantly, the same question reverberates in my head: what right does a man have to destroy a woman’s life, even take it? Why is this question running round my mind like an ever-looping tape and depriving me of sleep? I cannot get her face neither her name off of my mind. Who? Sarah Everard.
Like me, I am sure that the unfolding tragic story of Sarah Everard, has gripped you as well, as all week long we have become invested in knowing what had happened to this 33-year-old marketing executive; described by her family as ‘“bright and beautiful”’ and ‘“kind and strong”’, as she walked home from a friend ‘s house last Wednesday (3rd March) night. A week later, the nation is informed that her body has been found, a man has been arrested and charged with her kidnap and murder. I did not know her, but my heart is in pain. If I, a total stranger to Sarah Everard, feels like this, I cannot begin to imagine what her family, boyfriend, friends and colleagues are going through.
Once again, the safety of women is thrust into the glaring and harsh spotlight and this time, it would appear, that the collective heart of the nation has beaten in sympathetic unison as it seeks answers – wanting to know, how this happened? Why did it happen? What could have been done to prevent this happening? What makes this case all the more shocking is that the man arrested, charged with her kidnap and murder is a serving Metropolitan police officer: his job was meant to serve and protect!
In this country (UK), we work on the basis of innocent until proven guilty, however, enough evidence must have been found to charge this man of this heinous crime. Therefore, that means that a man who should have been protecting, instead preyed on an innocent woman and decided that her life should be terminated for his own pleasure. God have mercy!
As I tossed and turned on my bed, sleep evading me; my mind, restless, started wandering back through the annals to a time when I had to give one of those ‘talks’.
As a woman of colour living in the UK, I have had to give ‘the talk’ on different subjects to my daughters as they were growing up: the ‘talk’ on working 10 times as hard as a young black girl so that they can achieve and do well in this country and in life. Another of those ‘talks’ was to do with keeping personally safe as they travelled around – from school to home, church to home, a friend’s house to home, as they got older, abroad to home, in fact, anywhere to home! “At night, walk in the middle of the road, hold your keys in a fist, if attacked, shout ‘fire!’ not ‘rape’ as the chance of someone coming to your aid is higher, go in pairs, call and let me know you are okay” were all instructions I gave to my daughters as they were growing up. Still do. Why? My experiences have taught me that -as a female – it doesn’t matter what age you are, you can be in danger when out alone, especially at night. A topic close to my heart, I even studied it when completing my Masters: I wrote a paper on what it is and how it feels to navigate the city’s streets when out at night. Academically, or personally, I know this to be true (the dangers).
Reflecting on the past week, each day brought a fresh revelation in Sarah’s case and fresh recollections to my mind. Transported back to a time that I would rather not revisit, memories came crashing back like a tsunami wave; engulfing me. A robbed and shattered hymen, a dislocated jaw, belittled, gaslighted, manipulated and controlled are all experiences I have had in so called ‘relationships’ with men. Over the course of my lifetime thus far, I have sadly experienced the evilness of some men and their misogynistic ways. My life’s experience is not unique; unfortunately.
During the lockdown periods, the rates of domestic violence has rocketed. Women are at serious risk and though there is much talk and debate as to what can be done to help; there is little actual action and precious little money put towards supporting women who are at risk. There has been some progress, but there is so much more that can be done.
As I reflect on Sarah Everard and the innumerable other women who have fallen victim to the depravity and wickedness of men’s minds, I cannot help but to feel incredibly saddened to see the Creator’s plan for mankind so far removed from the ideal of God’s standard. When God created mankind, the man was meant to look out for and provide for the woman. The eroding and corrupting nature of sin has brought so much misery in its wake that men are brutal rather than benevolent, patriarchal rather than protecting, misogynistic rather than mindful.
I can only imagine that the heart of God is broken as He sees what has become of His creation, but thank God that He has not removed Himself from us but is ever near to comfort us and to surround us with His presence, especially during these trying times. As a comfort, the precious words of Scripture comes to mind – the twenty-third chapter of Psalms.
A PSALM OF DAVID.
23 The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
2 He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
3 He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever.
I hope you will join with me as I lift up in prayer all those who knew Sarah and whose hearts are aching at this very sad and traumatic time. I also lift up all women who have experienced any form of abuse.
Refuse to be silenced, speak up and get help. There are practical steps you can take; you can start your journey of recovery by clicking on the links below for information on how to keep safe and what to do, should you or someone you know find themselves in an abusive situation.
https://apple.news/AbclVpKwoT8GYrzTm5kEjCg
https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk
https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk
Stay safe.
Until next time.
Love & Blessings
When the Door is Open, Walk Through it
Opportunities will come and when they do, grab the opportunity with both hands and go for it!
Why do I say this so emphatically? Many times through fear – fear of failure, self-doubt, unpreparedness, laziness, procrastination, myopia, and other reasons, sometimes, first, we do not even recognise that it is opportunity and second, should we see it for what it is, we are too scared to seize the opportunity and go for it.
I am learning that when a door is open, to walk through it. The same way that a door can swing open, it can swing shut also! You do not want to go through life with, “If only…” “I wish I had…” “If I knew then, what I know now” spoken from a bitter, unfulfilled tongue. You want the opposite.
Your life should be and could be a continual carousel of experiences where you see the wonders of God’s Hand as He and only He, opens doors of opportunity. In Revelation 3:8, God Himself states, “I know your works. See, I have set before you an open door, and no one can shut it; for you have a little strength, have kept My word, and have not denied My name.”
If you need strength and courage, all you have to is ask. Isaiah 40:29 encourages you with this promise. ‘He gives power to the weak, And to those who have no might He increases strength.’ Joshua 1:9 admonishes us to, ‘”Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”’
Go ahead! When that next opportunity comes your way, pray about it, seek God’s guidance, take courage, be strong, and when God says move, you move!
Walk through that open door!
Until next time.
Love & Blessings
It’s Your Decision
When does your pain end and healing begin? It’s up to you. Only you can decide when enough is really enough!
My journey took an interesting turn when I decided to undertake a women’s development course; it was wonderful, enlightening and liberating.
The real beginning of my healing journey started when I was asked to complete an assignment. “In your own creative way, show what you have learnt and what you will take away from the five-session course”, the facilitator instructed us that late May Sunday afternoon.
What follows is my awakening to what God is seeking to do in my life.
Development: what does that mean?
“Growth, change, process, progress…”
I whisper from behind the mask
that screens
me; the girl – emerging from the mess
with a message – on the transparent, authentic lips of a woman.
Girl has gone! Transforming woman in her place.
Why?
She beheld her Father’s face:
The tenderest expression of love as like a tender, loving parent.
Love Me,
Love yourself,
Love others.
Look to Me and I will give you favour.
Trust in Me with all your heart and I will ever set you apart
For service; for you are my daughter
Whoever you are and who I’ve purposed you to be
Ever remember, first and foremost;
that is your identity.
“Run your race, run strong until the end”
Though you may have to stop and rest awhile
Your faithful Father will be as near as a friend.
Walk the walk, live the life.
Pay no heed to the worry or strife.”
“Go forward, go forward; at your side, my Son
and with faithful, patient endurance – you WILL hear
Well done!”
©Diane Lee
I’m on my way!
How about you?
Until next time .
Love & blessings
Where do I begin? At the end…of myself.
The unforgettable stories have never been written, never been told and therefore never been heard.
Like you, I too thought that I would never get around to sharing my story, but here I am; finally, sharing mystory. No, it is not a typo.
I hope that as we journey together that my voice will be joined by the countless others who are courageous enough to share their life experiences. Someone once said, ” we are each an individual drop but together we are an ocean.” Let the ocean swell (drop by drop) to a mighty roar as our collective words drown out the painful and traumatic life experiences which have caused so much hurt, heartache and destruction. Let us leave behind a gentle ripple of peace to which others can be comforted, helped and healed!
Love & Blessings